I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize