My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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