i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
