The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
