I can text with my tongue
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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