moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
