If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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