I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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