How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
