You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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