Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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