why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
