I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
