Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
