Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
