how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
