Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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