I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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