My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
