just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
