your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
