I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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