Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
