Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
