WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
