LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
