...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
