when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
