I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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