Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I touched a dick in church today
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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