Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
