I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
