i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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