Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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