Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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