Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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