Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize