the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
