did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
