i don't like sucking hair
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Life is so much better after having sex.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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