You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
