you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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