Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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