I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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