There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize