I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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