i already hear my dad disowning me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
where are my eyebrows?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize