i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
