"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
