I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize