Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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