so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
