dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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