I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
