Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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