you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
