i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
