just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
