jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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