i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
