I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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