there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
