there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
