He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
