It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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