When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
