Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize