Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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