kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
