someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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